Leadership Failure

There are certain key phrases that I listen out for coming from my own mouth. One of these is

"... because I'm the boss and I asked you to do it"

or any one of it's derived relatives.

If I ever hear a statement like that pass my lips then I take it as a sign that I've failed somehow as a leader (note, I'm not saying that I don't have the right to say it).

Why?

Because one of my functions as a leader is to provide people a goal/vision to work toward. If they have this then it should be self evident why they do the tasks they do. If someone questions the task then I should take that as a sign that I am not communicating the goal/vision well enough.

The problem is that it takes a lot of effort to communicate a goal/vision, far more than it does to order someone to do something. But that, to me, is the difference between a boss and a leader. A boss's primary function is to get the job done. A leader's primary function is other people and taking them on a journey. The reality of my life is that I am both (and also a worker with a boss), but I'd like to think that I lean toward the leader side of things more.

Even worse than the aforementioned statement is the emotional bullet after the fact eg

" ... by not doing what I asked you are not showing me respect ..."

The statement may be true (although I would always be hesitant to state other peoples intentions - much better to say "I don't feel respected"). However, we should switch it around and if someone hasn't done the task asked of them then take it as a sign that we haven't communicated the "why" clearly enough.

And saying a statement like that is essentially an emotional power-play. No-one can defend themselves under that kind of accusation. And it certainly doesn't help get the task done, nor inspire anyone to do differently next time.

We can always learn something about ourselves from other people even through their inaction.

Dealing with an ego monster

All of us must deal with other people. It is a part of life and the success of those relationships will determine to a certain degree the success (however that is defined) and happiness in our lives. Some relationships we choose: friends, sports teams, hairdresser, barista, etc. and some relationships are, to varying degress, forced on us: family, work colleagues, the passenger next to you on the plane (albeit for only a short period of time), etc. It is within this second group of people that we often find ourselves getting stressed for a variety of reasons.

Recently I've had the opportunity to deal with one such person, where the relationship is, for the most part, forced upon me ie we need to work together. However this person also comes with a rather large ego which is evidenced by:

• the belief that certain activities could not succeed without them;
• they take credit for work which is not theirs (with the stated belief that they are better known hence the "marketing" value is better tied with them);
• if an opportunity arises for some public exposure, they will take it without any thought about others who may be more appropriate for the opening.

This is the ego monster!

So how to deal with such a person?

1. Separate the person from the problem
(My wife recently reminded me of this eternal piece of wisdom.)

In this case the person is actually quite nice. Take them out of situations where the ego monster can raise it's head, and they are very likeable. Simply put, the person is for the most part a quality individual but the problem is how they respond in certain situations.


2. Don't Take it Personally

Ego monsters don't have bad intentions. They genuinely believe that what they do is acceptable behaviour and they are in fact being kind to you by virtue of their actions. Now it's always hard to keep a good attitude when someone hurts you, but knowing that their intentions are generally good can help in dealing with the actions.

3. Set Clear Boundaries


This is really a general piece of advice for life. We set boundaries on our relationships with other people, we set boundaries on ourselves so we don't hit those dangerous places of extremes. In the case of dealing with an ego monster, set clear boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. This means telling them this is line and I'm uncomfortable if you cross it. And if they do cross it then you need to choose, either raise the matter with them or change the relationship (as far as it is possible).

Now What?

While those points look good when written, I realise it's always harder to put them into practise. So for me it's a journey in progress. If you see me on the news charged with the murder of an ego monster you will know I failed. Otherwise it's a daily battle with my own attitudes, response and reactions.